When Ibrahim and I met up at Ikeja Mall some weeks ago, it was to discuss work. But after the meeting, we found ourselves trailing off to lighter issues over dinner —issues such as relationship. Okay, maybe not so light.
I told Ibrahim that I would be getting married soon. As a matter of fact, my friend and I have decided to get married. I am still a bit scared because marriage is such a big deal, I thought to myself, as we made our way out of the mall that evening.
Ibrahim said he was not going to commit to any relationship until he makes his first million. As a matter of fact, that
affluence will allow him make his choices from a position of strength. When he has money, no lady can mess with him, ever again, he said. Ibrahim has had his share of heart-break.
You ladies like money.
No we don’t. Don’t get me wrong. Oh well, every lady likes to have a sense of financial security. Only idiots like myself take blind risk. We jump into an invitation to get married without worrying about the financial concerns. You see, the guy I was dating had no stable job. But I loved him. I chose him over other guys with affluence and influence, I told Ibrahim. We have this connection, you see. I am sure you will find someone out there who will love you for you too. I said.
Ibrahim’s mind was made-up. Money first before girls.
Sex, Money and Nothing Else
My ex-fiancé shares Ibrahim’s thought pattern. He said what makes a great guy is money and sex. He just finished reading a copy of Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady. In fact his sudden investment in relationship-books should have been a red flag. It was like he was taking a crash-course.
Don’t get me wrong, books on relationship are good but it should not replace our real identity.
In my opinion, what makes a great man is character [integrity] and fear of God. With these two, you can never be financially or emotionally broke. Like seriously, how can one revere God and not know the right thing to do? And not know how important it is to get a job rather than sponging off other people? Moreover, you cannot build a lasting marriage on money and sex alone.
Call me naïve.
All These Talk About Relationship Sef!
When single people in their twenties and early thirties meet-up these days, there is a high possibility of the discussion swaying towards relationship status and expectations. Naturally.
The other day, I met up with a group of acquaintances from high school. No one asked if I had a job or how my family was faring. All they wanted to know was when I will be getting married. Or if any one of us was hooked and ready to walk down the aisle. Of the eight of us or so that met up, only one person was hooked. Yes, it sucks. It looks like our network needs to step up on the commitment level.
I am single again. And very much will be for a long time. This is because I am not ready. There! I finally said it. I am not ready.
Don’t Believe You Must Get Married To Please Others
I used to be the idiot that think my ideal marriage would be meeting someone up in Hawaii and getting married the following week. Not caring about the burdens of the past or the threats of the future. Let us just enjoy the now.
It was in this same mood of idiocy that I said yes to my friend earlier this year when he suggested jumping from friendship to marriage.
Actually, I think the pressure to settle down got to me. In a wade off all the sudden pressure from so-called friends. One actually said to me, “with all these awards you are getting, we pray you find a husband soon.” I was not even thirty yet. Knowing that her words didn’t come from a place of love but jealousy, I consciously pulled away. But not before asking her why she wasn’t married. It was not like she was too young to be either. Some people say they pray for you but never really pray for themselves, how much more you.
You see, while in college, Like Ibrahim, I used to say that I would never get married until I made my first million naira. This is such an erroneous pattern of thinking. Because even when the million comes, it doesn’t stay waiting.
Myth: Marry Your Friend
Marrying your friend is no guarantee that you will have the best marriage. With the current way most people are inter-connected, it is easy for anyone to stalk you online—know your lifestyle, thought pattern and try to fit into the best friend zone.
For me, I have learnt the hard way. Being friends with who you eventually marry makes more sense than setting initial criteria that the person must be in your circle of friends. So be open-minded but watchful.
If you are a Christian…then be a Christian
One day, I called an older woman I respect and told her I was in a relationship. Do you know his pastor? She asked. His pastor? I was surprised. Apparently, in a relationship that intends to lead to marriage, it is important to know the pastor your fiancé submits to and vice versa. Or the leader he submits to. Not everyone who claims to be a Christian is actually one. Dating a church-brother is no assurance that your marriage will be the best.
There is much more to Christianity than going to church. The devil is always out to steal, kill and destroy. And he goes to church too and influences church folks who are flaky in their faith. Allowing the busy-ness of the world choke out our root in Christ leaves us vulnerable to the tactics of the devil, in more ways than one.
Money Is Important
Before you agree to marry a man, check his attitude towards work. No matter how BIG the person’s vision is, if he is currently not doing ANYTHING and has no plans to, tighten the sandals on your feet and run- especially if your strength is too weak to be of support.
That story about a woman investing in a man, turning his life around and they both living happily ever? Well, there is no guarantee that will become your love story.
You see, most people mistake illusions for visions. We all have the right to dream. But as we get older, we consciously need to grasp reality by the hand and play our role well. We should shirk work over faith. They should work hand-in-hand.
Once you start off paying the bills while dating, there is a high tendency that it will remain that way. My friend’s mother is a living testimony.
When we started dating, I foolishly believed that we could join forces and build together. Five months into our relationship, I found myself bearing the financial burden of two. It scared me. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the beggarly type. I can’t even remember him asking me for money directly once. But I always felt obliged to give. But when I discovered the attitude was not reciprocated in any way, I started getting the red flag that we were setting ourselves up for failure.
Chatting Up The Other Woman
Don’t get into the habit of reading the chat archives of your boyfriend or fiancé. Wrong. Read it but be ready for surprises.
There was another woman. I later found out all the while we were dating and making wedding plans, this guy had a side chic. He bought an I-pad on credit for her during one of our tiffs.
I didn’t meet her but we connected over the phone. He actually gave me the number when I joked about him having a side chic. When I called her, she claimed to be a good friend.
But one day, she called, raving. The gist was that he was asking for his i-pad back. Who gives a gift and ask for it back? Out of revenge, she shared how my supposed fiancé used to run down my reputation whenever they met.
He told me that you ask for too much, she said. Me? Ask for too much? How? I was livid. I almost ran bankrupt from always giving this guy money from my savings, even when I had no job. How can he possibly have told you I ask him for too much? He has never given me a gift. On my birthday he gave me N100 worth of card. I honestly appreciated it but was shocked when I found out later that he could afford to buy an ipad on credit for another woman.
How do I ask for too much? Okay, once I joked about him buying me a car when he kept teasing that I needed a car. Is that asking for too much? On that occasion he had annoyingly accused me of wanting to turn him into a maga-don-pay. A friend who loves you, a fiancé who loves you would never respond that way. Again, I missed the red flag.
Learn from other people’s mistakes
Love is not perfect in this imperfect world. If you are looking for a perfect guy or man, forget it. Manage what you have. These are all lies we have come to accept. We believe it is okay to be in a committed relationship and be sex-ting with others. We believe in keeping as many options as possible and actually claim to be committed to them all. Should we really cave in to these?
Our grand-parents will tell us their generation is luckier. There was no e-mail, messenger or phone to encourage deceit back in the day. A man who wasn’t satisfied with one woman openly married another, not hide behind Facebook-love and Blackberry pings.
The other night, I met a lady who was interested in sub-letting my room. The woman who owns the house where she lives wants to sell it. The landlady just caught her husband cheating on her. The rest is history.
Ibrahim’s ambition to be richer than all the women he intends to settle down with seems to make sense now. It seems men who marry women who are more educated, richer and of high status end up looking for a side chic to cuddle with to rub their ego.
When I confronted my ex of having a side chic, he first denied it. But when I later told him she called me herself, he later said all men have the tendency to cheat. So do all women. So where do we draw the line?
Are you looking for help or a relationship?
When God created Eve, her role was to be help-meet for Adam. For many years, I have carried around this air of “I must be that help-meet to my spouse.” So when I hear other ladies saying things like, “most guys these days are looking for help or opportunities not relationship,” my first response is, “what is wrong with that?”
Everything is wrong with it. If a man meets a lady and pretends to be all-over her, propose marriage but behind her frolic with other women, if a guy meets a woman and talks about vision and goals without doing anything to achieve them but readily sponge off the woman’s resources, if a man meets a woman and plots on how to steal her contacts and money and leave her out to dry, if a man meets a woman and keep her as a side chic while lying to her that she is THE ONE, then, there is every thing wrong with our attitude towards relationship. So now I agree with the female folks, some guys these days are looking for opportunities, not relationship. It doesn’t necessarily be material opportunity; it could just be a sexual opportunity.
Moving From Point A to Point B
When a guy comes to you and propose marriage from day one, make sure you don’t find that thrilling. I fell into that trap of thinking my ex was one hell of a courageous guy for proposing marriage from the point of friendship. It is a red flag. To avoid any pitfalls, make sure you invite him to meet your family early. And meet his family. And most importantly, if you are a Christian, take him to your pre-marital counselors. Have a strong network you both account to. In no time, any skeleton in each other’s cupboard, no matter the dark corner it is hiding, will fall out. The one you miss, the family will see, the one they miss, the church folks will see. If it is genuine, the strong network will give you both wings to fly. Also, actually meet his friends. I mean, meet. Don’t just hear about them or speak over the phone with them. And let him meet yours too. This is marriage we are talking about.
Also, don’t allow anyone rush you into marriage. Pay attention to that still small voice. Having a peace about a decision might just be a “wait” and not a “go-ahead”. Some guys these days believe marriage proposal is the only way to get into a certain rapport with women. Also, actually pray about your relationship. Don’t just mull over it or read books on relationship. Prayer is the master key.
Avoid The Cheer-leading Network.
I had too much of that. Some people like the idea of marriage. Aso-ebi. Party. Even if you blindly introduce a goat to them as your fiancé, they will get excited and say, “I am happy for you,” even when they really don’t mean it.
Make Mistakes But Avoid Running in Error
I ignored all the red flags that would have helped check my decision and ran the race in error.
When you ignore red flags, by means of divine intervention, you will be jolted into reality by other events. Like his side chic calling you to show you the faults in your stars.
I played all my cards on the table and believed my ex was doing the same. When I first showed concern about his side-chic he denied being involved and even allowed me speak with her. Yes. I was that insecure. She also claimed there was nothing going on. It was later, by that she called and confessed he visited her.
It was at this stage that I found out while I was busy playing honest-wife-to-be, my ex from day one lied about so many things, including things he didn’t need to lie about- like his sister’s age.
I am not a straight T, by the way. I had my own faults. Like trying to get him to dress more like a man, as oppose to wearing jeans to all occasions. I also tried to force him to get a job, instead of just waiting for a miracle that will give his dreams wings to fly.
In a nutshell, he said I was too domineering. I said he was too laid-back and passive. From making me feel great about myself, I soon felt there was something wrong with me. I started looking for ways to tint my standard.
I have always felt too pious. So one Saturday I got the opportunity to frolic with a male acquaintance. That was the same Saturday I planned to break out of the cul-de-sac relationship.
It was at this point that I realized that there is more to relationship than meet the eyes. Out of guilt and shame of hooking up with another guy and playing with weed, I told to my ex and asked him to pray for me. He declined and instead asked for sex. You see, we have always struggled with whether or not to have sex before marriage. As Christians, this should not even be a debate. But looking back, we were not as rooted in the Word as we should be. That is why it was easy to allow the pressure overwhelm our faith. With all these talk about soul-tie, pre-marital sex is not something to joke with.
No true relationship will make you end up feeling like a messed up Christian, for a long time, now seeking redemption.
Marriage does not just happen. It takes preparation
I broke up after I realized that I am the most unprepared woman for marriage.
I need to deal with fundamental principles of life, faith and then perhaps, run this race again. This time, taking all these lessons into account, trusting that I will play a better role in it.
Just as we prepare for college, prepare for job; prepare for other journeys of life, marriage- a spiritual journey, needs real preparation. It cannot be rushed. It is not a form of escapism.
Some women are luckier than others.
Some get their first relationship right from day one, others know how to better manage their storm. Others like myself, allow our first experience crush us and then, we try to find our way back while dealing with the hex.
It feels great to be given a second chance after being broken. I am humbled by this experience.
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