This Is why you shouldn’t see fifty shades of grey with your Girlfriend

      

The rest of you can have your seats.

There’s this 50 shades thing trending everywhere and although movie reviews are not my thing, I thought I could make an exception.

For those who haven’t see the movie or read the book, let me give you a brief.

Anastasia, she acted the female lead, has no personality whatsoever. She is so weak, naive, boring, annoying. To crown it all, she is just some stupid woman who needs a man
to take care of her all because she can’t take care of herself. She later falls in love with a young billionaire and CEO of Grey enterprises by name Christian. Christian Grey has no idea what romance or love is. He is sexual deviant and just an overall douchebag. His “50 shades”  lifestyle is supposed to be justified by abuse that he suffered as a child. Christian takes possessiveness to a stalker level. He buys Anastasia a laptop, car and a BlackBerry so he can keep track of where she is and who she’s with every moment of every day. Christian first has Anastasia sign a written agreement not to disclose details of their relationship to anyone. (She doesn’t even tell Kate, her room mate and best friend who sadly, orgasms at most three times in a day unlike Ana who ‘comes’ at least twelve times in a day since she lost her virginity to Christian).

Another signature is required to make her his submissive and to give him complete control over every aspect of her life. He enjoys tying up Ana to ‘f**k hard’ (because he doesn’t “make love”). Ana is reluctant to signing his agreement because she wants more from her relationship with Christian.

So that’s basically what 50 shades of Grey is about.

P.S: I’m writing this review from the little I remember of the book. The movie didn’t go too well for me.

Lately, I have been seeing one disturbing quote circulated among guys.

“Every man needs a bit of Christian Grey in him.”

If the guys behind this are referring to Christian’s billionaire status, that is totally fine. In short, I should just end the post here.

On the other hand, ladies are fantasizing about having a boyfriend like Christian. A man that can give them expensive gifts, take them on shopping trips, fancy dinners, private jet rides, orgasms?

Guys,

1. Anastasia was a virgin, she was naïve about sex, she experienced no pain or guilt when she lost her virginity and Christian was able to make her come multiple times during her first sexual encounter. Is this even possible? Can you guys see what I’m talking about? Unlike you and your girlfriend. . .
   
2. In one scene, she dreamt of Christian and came in her sleep, wow, just wow. This is something spiritual husbands in Nigeria can’t do.
3. Oh my God! Christian sucked her boob, and guess what, she came again. Jealous much? Would you be comfortable allowing a woman obsessed with 50 shades of grey breastfeed your baby? NO? I thought as much.
4. Oops, in page 1.., she came at the smell of the leather bed, the sound of his voice, and she probably came at distant thoughts of what she ate for breakfast. How many Nigerian ladies have such overly sensitive parts?
5. All Christian had to say everytime they had sex was, “Come for me Ana” and brmmmm, she was swimming in her ‘postcoital glow as the writer put it.
6. Have I also mentioned the sight of his pyjamas hanging loosely on his waist turns her on? Wait, do Nigerian men even wear pyjamas?

Ladies,

1. Spankings are not fun. Don’t let this book fool you into thinking they are, because they are not. if any man dares beat me, i swear i will break bottle on his head. lmao
2. If you have been duped by this book into thinking that rolling your eyes and biting your lips at a man gives him an erection, prepare to answer embarrassing questions like, “Honey,what is wrong with your eyes? Do you need new pairs of glasses?” hahah
3. Christian was also turned on by pubic hair. Please do not think of keeping a sambisa forest down there.... Its never sexy dear
4. In one scene, they had Period sex, followed by a bath together? A bloody bath? 
5. Are you suddenly tempted to draw up contracts for existing suitors. Hard limits: must not cheat, or refuse to cuddle me. Soft limits: breakfast in bed and early morning texts would be nice, must take selfies with me every week. Please wake up! 
6. The dialogue in the book is hilarious and very unrealistic just incase you plan on changing your mode of communication with your spouse. 

Overall, it saddens me that this book has placed a lot of unrealistic pressure on men to satisfy women more frequently and thoroughly.